We stayed up through the night, praying, hoping and cheering her on, but her lungs just keep getting worse. The very thing that was keeping her alive, the ventilator, was killing her. We stayed in a constant cycle of turning up the pressure on the ventilator, getting some better results, then watch as her stats dwindled until we had to turn up the pressure again causing more damage.
She tried so hard. She was a beautiful girl with a strong heart. Her heart was so strong, but her lungs were just to damaged to support her life. She also knew us. When ever Cary talked to her, she would open her eyes, no matter how sedated she was or how much of the muscle relaxant they gave her, she would try to see her mommy. When ever I put my hand over her, her stats would go up immediately... until the end when she just could not keep up anymore.
Just before 6 am, Cary and I had to make the decision to stop the ventilator. Then the worst moment of my life was combined with one of my happiest as I got to hold my daughter for the first time. It took until 6:47 for her strong heart to stop beating while I was holding her.
So far the pain has come in waves. One moment I feel so intensely sad and the next I feel at peace.
I feel like one of the worst tricks God ever played on us is the miracle. We got to a point where medically the doctors knew she would be gone long before Cary and I could give up on her. I just sat all night praying for a miracle that her lungs would heal, and yet it never happened. And now the only way I feel regret for the decision Cary and I had to make is that maybe I didn't give God enough time to give us the miracle.
Cary, myself, and the doctors and nurses did everything we could. No wrong decision was made that condemned my little girl. Her lungs were just too damaged and we had to say goodbye.
I don't think there will be anything else to add to this blog after this. I don't think I could handle it. Please continue to pray for Cary and I for peace and comfort.
Paul
4 comments:
Well said, Paul. She was such a big fighter in such a small package. We will miss her over and over again-
xoxo rhonda
Paul, I am so proud of you and Cary. As your dad I am humbled by the love you show you children. You have been through the worst event a parent can go through and you have allowed your pain and love to be shared as an example for everyone by just being yourself.I always knew you would be successful but I never knew you were going to make such a great father.
Love Dad
Paul, I am so proud of you and Cary. As your dad I am humbled by the love you show you children. You have been through the worst event a parent can go through and you have allowed your pain and love to be shared as an example for everyone by just being yourself.I always knew you would be successful but I never knew you were going to make such a great father.
Love Dad
Paul, I am so proud of you and Cary. As your dad I am humbled by the love you show you children. You have been through the worst event a parent can go through and you have allowed your pain and love to be shared as an example for everyone by just being yourself.I always knew you would be successful but I never knew you were going to make such a great father.
Love Dad
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